This is my first attempt at poetry so the style is armature but we all have to start somewhere :)
The demons dance in darkness
And whisper me their secrets
They tell me bedtime stories
And fill me with regret
The morning comes and still they stay
The light no longer provides relief
Left frozen and choking on my fear
Consumed by imagined grief
My mind provides a brief escape
To my own reality I retreat
The demons they live in here too
But their embrace is soft and sweet
A passing glimpse of beauty
And a kindness I cannot trust
The whispers and your absence
A friendship turned to dust
My demons are my oldest friend
Though they cause my soul to weep
I long to feel their empty kiss
And the tear stain upon my cheek
Friday 20 April 2012
Sunday 1 April 2012
Permanence
One of the biggest struggles I face is one of permanence, or at least my own perception of it. If absence is supposed to make the heart grow fonder then for me this notion went into overdrive and absence makes my heart worry, ache and obsess. Conversely I cannot reconcile that others feel the same, as far as I have ever been able to tell, when it comes to others, absence makes the heart forget.
There is an episode of Red Dwarf where Kryten meets an alien who alters herself to be his perfect partner but the rest of the crew also see their fantasy woman (series 4 episode 19 Camille for those interested) That's how I feel sometimes... like I'm forced to be what others want to see and underneath there's this big ugly mess that wants to be loved for who she is. This is very difficult when years of trying to appease others for attention have left me not quite knowing who I am.
My own self image is a split one. On the one hand I lack any real self confidence and am locked in a self loathing cycle any teen would be proud of, however I experience fleeting highs usually fuelled by an achievement in the workplace or by praise and attention from others. It is in these times that I know that no matter how I feel inside I do have the ability to charm others if I so desire. My deep rooted fear is that when I am not with these people they will forget me, re-asses what they know about me or otherwise fall into a mundane indifference that I believe may be a normal relationship but lacks the passion and constant validation I need to feel loved. I want people to obsess about me the way I do about them, but of course they don't, so I begin waiting for the eventual demise of our relationship. Sometimes I cut this short and push the person away, other times I cling desperate to be with the person as much as possible, convinced that by constant interaction in which I put on my best Camille act I can convince them not to leave me, that they need me as much as I need them.
Having spent my life never discussing my true feelings I have recently "come clean" to a couple of friends that I met online and one person I know in real life. All have been wonderful and supportive each in their own way. This should make me feel accepted, like finally I am loved for who I am but it's not the case. Suspicion, doubt and paranoia take over. Do I see that person a little less now? Do we speak less often? Am I temporarily filling a void in the persons life? Once they have found what they are looking for will they leave? The answer? I don't know, probably, but I guess I will never know if that's just what happens or whether I drove them away.
I'm not sure I will ever tell someone I meet again what really goes on inside my head. It makes is so much harder to pretend I won't care when their lives move on and I'm still sat here, reinventing myself again.
There is an episode of Red Dwarf where Kryten meets an alien who alters herself to be his perfect partner but the rest of the crew also see their fantasy woman (series 4 episode 19 Camille for those interested) That's how I feel sometimes... like I'm forced to be what others want to see and underneath there's this big ugly mess that wants to be loved for who she is. This is very difficult when years of trying to appease others for attention have left me not quite knowing who I am.
My own self image is a split one. On the one hand I lack any real self confidence and am locked in a self loathing cycle any teen would be proud of, however I experience fleeting highs usually fuelled by an achievement in the workplace or by praise and attention from others. It is in these times that I know that no matter how I feel inside I do have the ability to charm others if I so desire. My deep rooted fear is that when I am not with these people they will forget me, re-asses what they know about me or otherwise fall into a mundane indifference that I believe may be a normal relationship but lacks the passion and constant validation I need to feel loved. I want people to obsess about me the way I do about them, but of course they don't, so I begin waiting for the eventual demise of our relationship. Sometimes I cut this short and push the person away, other times I cling desperate to be with the person as much as possible, convinced that by constant interaction in which I put on my best Camille act I can convince them not to leave me, that they need me as much as I need them.
Having spent my life never discussing my true feelings I have recently "come clean" to a couple of friends that I met online and one person I know in real life. All have been wonderful and supportive each in their own way. This should make me feel accepted, like finally I am loved for who I am but it's not the case. Suspicion, doubt and paranoia take over. Do I see that person a little less now? Do we speak less often? Am I temporarily filling a void in the persons life? Once they have found what they are looking for will they leave? The answer? I don't know, probably, but I guess I will never know if that's just what happens or whether I drove them away.
I'm not sure I will ever tell someone I meet again what really goes on inside my head. It makes is so much harder to pretend I won't care when their lives move on and I'm still sat here, reinventing myself again.
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