My First Blog

Today is a strange day for me. It's the day before I go for my first psychiatric treatment for my illness.

I longed with all of my heart to get help, for someone to take me seriously enough to help, yet now I am on the eve of embarking on my journey I am scared, scared beyond belief. As paranoia has taken grip I have reached out desperately to those I hold dear, who mostly are in virtual existence, but unfortunately as I should have expected these friendships cannot provide me with the level of support I crave. I am unsure that anything can but I think looking on-line for my solution may have been my biggest mistake

The on-line world can be a strange place. Sure, we all know the stories of people masquerading on-line. Those who use their anonymity to get close to and, ultimately, hurt people. But what of those with no such malice, those who like you and I are simply looking to interact with others and find some one that understands us in his crazy little world? Are these as healthy as they seem?

My issue with these friendships is that they lack roots as they formed from a virtual nothingness. Without roots they lack social inhibition. Without the concern that this new friend or interest may then be speaking to your work colleagues, your oldest friend, your family or anyone else that forms part of your reality, there are no barriers.

Conversation flows fast in the rush to get to know one another and form something meaningful. We all too often allow our guard to drop, we show a side of ourselves the world doesn't normally see. Sometimes, as with on-line bullying, this an be a hideous reminder of the cruelty of human nature. Other times, well, at other times it is is heart breakingly fragile and beautiful as two lonely souls try to connect.

The heartbreak comes when you feel you have met someone special and lay bare your soul. This can be intoxicating at first, providing a release so intimate and so intoxicating it could rival sex, for what feeling is greater than one of true acceptance.

The problem comes when this fire dies. A closeness based on a deep understanding, a co dependant release often requires constant validation and this can be exhausting for both parties. There comes a time when the needs of one person bear down too heavy on the other and the friendship becomes yet another burden. The longing for the simple escapism that led them to social networking in the first instance manifests itself. Slowly (or swiftly) one party may pull away. Without the social inhibitions to worry about the effect this may have and without having to witness the pain it may cause there is nothing to stop the person you trusted, that you bared your soul to, pulling away. Worse still, you may have to witness their inevitable transition onto another friendship via the painfully visual honesty that is social networking.

You can be left standing at the window looking in at the party you were once invited to wondering where the hell it all went wrong.